Lovely in the Dark

“Katie, I don’t hear joy in anything you just listed.”

I sat there looking at my doctor. Stunned. I had been talking about the extreme fatigue I had been experiencing lately. Between that and some weight gain, I worried it was my thyroid. I was listing off all the things I try to do in a day to keep my head above water. Work. Motherhood. Relationships. Friendships. Eating healthy. Working out. Quiet time. Reading. Sleep. Spending time with my kids. Add in the never ending cleaning, errands, and every day life tasks.

I didn’t suspect my depression with anxiety. A few months ago, I went off my anti-anxiety medication. I didn’t need it any longer. My antidepressant medication was working wonders. Doing the heavy daily lifting. Allowing me to do all the other things required of me.

“You are fighting harder than you know. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.”

Tears came. I refused to let them fall. Even though I wanted to break down then and there. Throw myself to the floor, beating my fists at how unfair this all was.

Once again, depression was making the calls. And it was vicious.

Depression sucks the joy right out of my life.

I sat in my doctor’s office acknowledging this very fact. While I fight to keep my illness at bay, I am left with not much left over. My body is exhausted. My energy is non existent. My spark is dwindling.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think about my illness. How I can feel better. Am I keeping the darkness at bay. Did I take my medication. Did I do enough today. My thoughts spin around and around. Standing on high alert. Preparing for the next shoe to drop.

Sitting there, I knew. I knew she was right. I was sucked dry once again. This time my body was telling me too. Revolting. Begging for rest. When I kept pushing to keep going.

I left her office feeling defeated. Here I thought I was doing such a good job. I was making it through a pandemic, divorce stuff, and a job change. I am in a new relationship and it is amazing. Yet, I walked out of my doctor’s office with a new prescription and another reminder that depression will never go away for me.

I look back and wonder how many other times was it my depression living for me. Those sweet moments with my kids when the smile didn’t reach my eyes. The laughter with friends over drinks and food when thoughts of going home wouldn’t go away. A date night together when I was too scared to enjoy the moment. Holiday gatherings full of family, love, and food when I sat back and watch from the sidelines.

There are times I know joy. Rich. Bright. Buoyant. Fulfilling. I have experienced these moments. Real joy.

And I know times when depression comes in and takes it all away. In the day to day. Where expectations become to heavy. The constant stress. Where divorce and separate homes drag on. A pressing darkness. Looming and waiting to close in again.

I want to believe I seek the joy. Even though I know that I am more prone to seeing the hard. Living with depression for years has changed me. Joy scares me. Because I rarely know it.

Oh please, don’t take this the wrong way. I know joy. I know what it feels like. It is part of my life. And my depression makes it seem just out of reach. I see it. I know it. I can touch it. Almost.

Depression sucks the joy right out of my life.

And I don’t even know when it happens.

Once again, I am fighting my way back. With a new medication. One that will give my body the rest it needs when it is working overtime. With a new shoulder to lean on. One that is allowing more light into my life. With my constant strength and stubbornness. Two that have never let me down.

Yes, depression takes so much out of me. Depression takes so much from my life. Depression demands full access to who I am.

And I live this.

So I keep trying to bring the joy back to me.