Lovely in the Dark

Why me?

Why is this happening to me?

What did I do wrong?

Cause I had to do something wrong for this struggle to be happening to me. Right?

Up until 21 months ago, I didn’t understand suffering. Why bad things happened in this world. Why people are subject to hurt, illness, pain, suffering, hardships. It would baffle me that bad times or events would happen to really good people. I assumed lousy people deserved the awful things that came into their lives. Comeuppance so to say.

Yet, here I was. A good person. One who was faithful, kind, generous. I believed in God. I didn’t break laws. I followed the rules. That didn’t stop my former husband from leaving. Me. Our family. By doing everything just right, just perfect, didn’t stop life from happening to me. And that includes hurt, pain, and suffering.

In the beginning, I cried a lot. Cursing my situation. Shouting at God. Turning the unfortunate events in to a big ole pity party. I didn’t deserve this treatment. I didn’t deserve all that was taking place. I didn’t deserve it so why me? Why would God do this to me? Why do I have to suffer the consequences of someone else’s actions and sins? I was stuck on that. The why me. I couldn’t get passed it. It was what I was holding on to.

Well, why not me?

Why shouldn’t this happen to me?

I am no different from anyone else in this world. I am not any more special than you or you. I am a very flawed individual. I sin. (Shocking I know) I have a long way to go in becoming a better person. And perfection will never be reached because I will absolutely fall short of perfect.

For there is only one perfect person to walk on this Earth and He didn’t miss out on the suffering. The pain. The betrayal. Jesus was sinless. He NEVER sinned. However, He has felt more pain and endured more suffering than I ever will in my life.

The greatest outcome of my divorce is me finding myself in Christ. Taking the plunge and really discovering Jesus. Giving my whole self to God. Seeking and understanding the love and comfort I receive from reading and believing the word of God. My perspective of life has changed. I am altered. Thus, my thoughts on suffering has changed.

Now, I see it as part of life. Of getting to live on this earth as a human. I am not exempt from the misery of sin. No one is. That doesn’t mean I am glad when I have to struggle through the darkness. It doesn’t mean I never question the agony. I seem to just be more at peace with it.

Instead of asking why me?

I ask…

How are you, Lord, using this suffering to make me stronger?

How are you, Christ, using me to help others?

I ask…

Give me strength so I can do your will, Lord.

Give me courage in this pain to be the light for others.

I ask…

Use me, Lord. For your glory. For your love. For your way.

Use my suffering for the good of you, God.

I ask…

Why not me?

For I know now that I will never be abandoned in the darkness. I will have the everlasting love of God and His son Jesus. I know in my times of suffering I find comfort in prayer and the Word.

I may be repeating myself, but before, I only saw the pain. Today, I see the beauty. The glory of suffering. I take the time to count my blessings. Or as I like to call it my lovely. I see my lovely. I am taking this life I have been dealt and sharing it with all of you. Because it is my lovely. It is how God is using the sin of my life and the sin of others lives for His glory.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

So if you are there, in this spot of why me? I ask you to take a deep breath. Look deep inside of yourself and find your lovely. And ask the question of

Why not me?

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, also you share in our comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:5-7