Lovely in the Dark

I have been back in the workforce for a year now. Gosh, it feels like I have been doing this for a lot longer and at times I feel like it was yesterday. I have been both a single stay at home mom and a single working full time mom. Both are hard. Both have ups and downs. And now when I feel like I just have the hang of working, our whole schedule is changing this week with my oldest starting Kindergarten.

I miss it. Staying home. I miss the lazy mornings of waking up and watching cartoons, drinking coffee together. Since the beginning, this is how we started our day. Cuddling and snuggling on the couch. Unless we had something planned, we just enjoyed our time. Now, I am up before the boys, getting ready, and throwing some granola bars at them on our way to daycare. Our snuggling is for Saturdays and middle of the night crawling into mom’s bed.

I miss my groups and play dates. I was active in Mops and a women’s group at a local church. I loved it. Meeting new people, making new friends, having my children do the same. My time there was precious to me. The crafts, the worshiping, the food, the talking with other moms in the same season of motherhood. I miss being able to love up on other women. Pray with them. Fellowship with them. It was what I look forward to every week. Not being able to participate now has left a gaping hole in my heart.

I miss the time to rest. When I stayed home, I took naps with my boys. I read a book. I baked. I still have time to rest working full time, but I have more guilt around it. When I stayed home, my time wasn’t crunched together with 40 hours of a work week. I was able to use my weekends to play and relax. Now I have to fit in errands and grocery shopping in on my two days off. Every once in a while, I binge watch Netflix without guilt. However, it is a work in progress.

I miss my boys. Staying home was hard. Emotionally and mentally draining. Even before my separation. I enjoyed being with them during the days. Exploring our city. Checking out local events. Visiting the library weekly. I knew what it meant to stay home and the difficulty it put on me. Yet, I loved the reward of being with my children. Obviously, it wasn’t going to last forever. I just never thought I would have to end my time at home sooner than I expected. Right now, I just want to go and pick them up. I want to hear all about their day and what they learned. I want to go and play with them. But I have to work, pick them up, go home, make dinner, and squeeze a bath in before the Kindergartner falls asleep by 7:15. They are growing up so fast. I am missing it. I am missing them.

I miss my friends. I saw them a lot more when I stayed home. Our schedules were similar. Our children friends. I got to see one of my friends once a week. Lunch dates, play dates, wine dates. Now, it can be weeks and even months before we are able to coordinate a girls night out. I can’t just pick up the phone and say let’s meet in an hour. Sometimes I feel like I am missing out of being part of the group. It is a lonely feeling.

I do enjoy working. I am proud of earning a paycheck and setting an example for my children.

I loved staying home. No matter how hard it got. I wanted to get up and do it again everyday. I do miss being a stay-at-home mom.