It was my wedding anniversary the other day. Well you know. What would have been my anniversary.
The past few years I dreaded the upcoming day. For it reminded me of what I no longer had. I would mourn the vows spoken, the love gone, and the couple that celebrated a union. Gritting my teeth, I got through the day.
Bitterness a cloud surrounding me. I hated the reminder of what was suppose to be a joyous, proud celebration, it was the complete opposite.
This year has been different.
The day approached with hardly a thought. Leading up. The day of.
No anger. No bitterness. No resentfulness.
Maybe this is what it feels like. Healing. Moving forward. Rather than looking back at the past, I am seeing what is right in front of me and turning towards the future.
At the beginning, I couldn’t imagine how this would feel. When a day that once was ours no longer cut my heart into pieces. Yet, I think I am here.
It hasn’t came easily. Tears. Pleading prayers. Inconsolable grief. Painful suffering. Humble moments. Hard truths. Uncomfortable words.
My heart needed time to catch up with my head. I guess the saying, time heals all wounds, has some truth. Time has given me a new perspective of my marriage and my divorce.
Or maybe I have found how to create space. Space for both grief and joy, mingling together. Inside my heart. Part of my day. Leading the way to where my life is going. Some days I am proud of my marriage with the hard work, deep love, and great effort I put into us. Some days I am embarrassed of who I married and the actions he has done. Some days both are intertwined so tightly, I cannot decipher which is which.
I am learning peace is possible with many different emotions present. As long as I allow those feelings to be heard, felt, and acknowledged. No more fighting them. But embracing what is swirling around, letting the emotions land where they need to. Instead of forcing them in a box on the top shelf where they are hidden away. Making all involved more comfortable and at ease.
The truth is divorce isn’t cut and dry like I believed it would be. It is messy. Ugly. Unsettling. Ever changing. It is part of my story and my life. I am raising two young children who are effected by these actions.
Yesterday my anniversary didn’t bother me. Tomorrow my anniversary may make me weep. And that is okay.
I am okay with this.
The ups and downs. The ugly and beautiful. The sorrow and peace. The anger and relief. The joy and sadness.
I guess what I am saying is healing looks different every day. At times, I am back on my closest floor screaming out to God to help me with the pain. At times, I am smiling and whispering thank you’s for the blessing of divorce.
It feels good.
It feels really good.
To know that I am able to hold space for how I feel for whatever may come.
To know that I am able to look back without it ruining my future.
Lovely in the Dark 
I found your blog combing through the internet for solace as I start this devastating journey. The failure of my 16 yr marriage, the effects on my 3 school age children, the collapse of my financial stability, and the knowledge that this has come to head based on a year long affair my husband has been having with another married woman. The pain, the doubt, the worthlessness, and the sense of complete failure are worse than i could have imagined possible. I have devoured your posts both with hope, desperation, and now with agony understanding that this pain will last for years to come. Knee deep in grief, anger and fear, i am slowing building my tribe of support but going through something none of my family or friends has experienced has compounded my sense of isolation.
Thank you for the raw truth….while its like ripping a band aid off every time i read your words, i need your reality and brutal honesty to know i will survive.
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You will survive. I can guarantee that. But not without scars and tears. You are going to transform multiple times into someone you don’t recognize. And still, you will be stronger, braver, better, and more beautiful than you ever imagine. I promise that.
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Big hug.
You will survive. Reach out to any friends who are divorced. Get a nice therapist. Call your lawyer.
Support is vital. Infidelity and divorce are unbelievably painful. I was unprepared.
Love and hugs
Anne
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Have you found chumplady.com? It’s a lifesaver.
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I agree. Being able to own the past is important for the future.
I am past the pain. I have some sadness, days where I miss Craig.25 years is a lot of life and we got along very well and had a lot of fun.
I’m able to look at old pictures and laugh. To tell the kids stories about their dad without strain.
Other people’s anniversaries do still make me sad, but I only got divorced in November! I am allowed some jealousy! Lol
Life is so unexpected.
Anne
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You captured this in words perfectly, Katie. I experience the same “swirls” and no longer fight them one way or another. I do wish for more peace from it or at least being able to package it up a bit nicer…but it is what it is. Your post brings me much thought. People are always quick to say you’ll find someone again to share your life with – I’m not so sure I could open that wide again. Sending light and love to you my friend❤️
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I wish for more peace too. And I too wish I was able to package it up a bit nicer. But baby steps. I am here able to create space. Next month I may be able to have something else . Progress is happening. Just slowly.
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