It was my wedding anniversary the other day. Well you know. What would have been my anniversary.
The past few years I dreaded the upcoming day. For it reminded me of what I no longer had. I would mourn the vows spoken, the love gone, and the couple that celebrated a union. Gritting my teeth, I got through the day.
Bitterness a cloud surrounding me. I hated the reminder of what was suppose to be a joyous, proud celebration, it was the complete opposite.
This year has been different.
The day approached with hardly a thought. Leading up. The day of.
No anger. No bitterness. No resentfulness.
Maybe this is what it feels like. Healing. Moving forward. Rather than looking back at the past, I am seeing what is right in front of me and turning towards the future.
At the beginning, I couldn’t imagine how this would feel. When a day that once was ours no longer cut my heart into pieces. Yet, I think I am here.
It hasn’t came easily. Tears. Pleading prayers. Inconsolable grief. Painful suffering. Humble moments. Hard truths. Uncomfortable words.
My heart needed time to catch up with my head. I guess the saying, time heals all wounds, has some truth. Time has given me a new perspective of my marriage and my divorce.
Or maybe I have found how to create space. Space for both grief and joy, mingling together. Inside my heart. Part of my day. Leading the way to where my life is going. Some days I am proud of my marriage with the hard work, deep love, and great effort I put into us. Some days I am embarrassed of who I married and the actions he has done. Some days both are intertwined so tightly, I cannot decipher which is which.
I am learning peace is possible with many different emotions present. As long as I allow those feelings to be heard, felt, and acknowledged. No more fighting them. But embracing what is swirling around, letting the emotions land where they need to. Instead of forcing them in a box on the top shelf where they are hidden away. Making all involved more comfortable and at ease.
The truth is divorce isn’t cut and dry like I believed it would be. It is messy. Ugly. Unsettling. Ever changing. It is part of my story and my life. I am raising two young children who are effected by these actions.
Yesterday my anniversary didn’t bother me. Tomorrow my anniversary may make me weep. And that is okay.
I am okay with this.
The ups and downs. The ugly and beautiful. The sorrow and peace. The anger and relief. The joy and sadness.
I guess what I am saying is healing looks different every day. At times, I am back on my closest floor screaming out to God to help me with the pain. At times, I am smiling and whispering thank you’s for the blessing of divorce.
It feels good.
It feels really good.
To know that I am able to hold space for how I feel for whatever may come.
To know that I am able to look back without it ruining my future.