Lovely in the Dark

Hey God,

It’s me, Katie. Are You listening? Can You hear me? Because sometimes it feels like You aren’t. Or maybe I am not talking loud enough. Or am I not doing it right? The prayer thing. The believing thing.

Cause here is the thing. I do. Believe. Working on the trust. But I love you. I know, I know. I have been where I am at before. Wondering. Asking. Questioning. Second guessing. Not yet begging You to change my current situation. However, I won’t be mad if something good happened.

You feel really far away. Too many voices are shouting. Drowning out Your whispers. Too many emotions surging. Overwhelming the rational. Too many hardships occurring. Bringing along loneliness, anxiety, and despair.

Can I ask You a question?

What’s going on? Please just give me a hint. Why is all of this happening? I look around and wonder what Your plan is for me. When I think I am on the right path, You go and block the road forcing me to back up and turn around. Then I find my way back, You drop a bomb. Burning the way.

I am stronger. I am steadier. I am braver. I am only this way due to You. I acknowledge this. I can see this. You are the reason I am here today. Right here. On solid legs. With an aching heart. Asking You to show me the way.

But God, I don’t know what that way looks like anymore. I thought I did. I dreamed of it for years. Laying my heart on the line. Taking risks. Giving of myself. Then I grieved the loss. Turning to You. I thought I knew where You wanted me to go. I stood up and put one foot in front of the other. Yet, the twists and turns are making me question. Obstacle after obstacle.

So God. Can You hear me? Do You see me?

Sometimes it feels like You are really far way. Right now. It feels like You are really far away. Every time this happens, You show up. I know You are next to me. I know. I KNOW THIS. But I can’t feel You. I can’t hear You. I don’t understand any of this. Why sometimes You feel so far away and sometimes You are all up in my face? Cause You do that. Pushing me to do what You want me to do. And You don’t stop until I get it done. Even when I don’t want to do it. Why? Why do You do that?

Why does it have to be whispers? Or yells? Why can’t You just talk to me? Friend to friend. Rather than Father to daughter. I don’t want anymore tough love. Please. Being strong is great. But God, right now I don’t want to be strong. I want to be held. I want to be comforted. I want to reassured. Tell me it is all going to be alright. Whisper it into my heart. So I hear it.

So I guess what I am asking is am I going to be okay? I need to know if I will be okay. That even with whatever You are asking me to walk through, I will be okay. Not only okay but closer to You.

Because right now, You feel really far away.

And my heart really needs You.