Lovely in the Dark

Healing is…

Messy. Ugly. Embarrassing. Because one must break and let all of what is rotting inside out. Crying on the closet floor. Saying words that are coated with bitterness and resentment. Voicing the deepest, darkest thoughts, that are buried so far down light never hits, out loud. Bringing out the worst in a person. Screaming at God for the unfairness of this all. Throwing the biggest, baddest, adult temper tantrum.

Healing is…

Complicated. Complex. Hard. Because one may feel two very different emotions at the exact same time. How can I mourn the loss yet be so grateful it has happened? There are times when I cannot pinpoint exactly what or how I feel. So how can I possibly work on healing?

Healing is…

Long. Slow. Drawn out. Because it takes much more time and effort than one believes. Causing frustration and discouragement. Just when I think the final destination is in sight, it moves farther and farther away all the while constantly changing what healing looks like to me.

Healing is…

Stretching. Pulling. Growing. Because one cannot stay the same to heal. I must force myself out of this comfort zone into what frightens me to gain peace. I must open myself up to new and different. Places. People. Techniques. Communication. Perspective.  Pushing the limits I am familiar with. Change needs to occur for healing to.

Healing is…

Rising. Standing. Courageous. Because face down on the dirt floor in arena is not a place to stay. So rising, over and over and over again. Taking that tiny step forward every damn day. Even when I am so tired. So drained. So lost. Questioning if all this effort is even worth it, I never quit.

Healing is…

Together. United. Never alone. Because one cannot heal without the help of others. This looks different for each of us. For me, therapy, doctor support, writing and sharing, family and friends who rally around me giving me tough love while holding me as I cry, and a daily pill that keeps me healthy. Plus many, many others.

Healing is…

Waiting. Patience. Endurance. Because no matter how much one works at it, healing is not a sprint but a lifelong marathon. Now I see after four years in, I will heal until I die. Some days will be light and easy. Some days will be dark and heavy. Trauma and life is like that. Yet, I have hope that one day I will be at a place where peace is present.

Healing is…

Joy. Laughter. Love. Because we need both happiness and sadness in our lives. Those moments of pure bliss of holding my children, sharing a table with friends, giving comfort and love to others, and gathering around with family are part of my healing. Reading a book instead of cleaning. Cracking jokes rather than being so serious. Discovering what gives me amusement, wonder, and pleasure. Loving who I am amidst my faults and shortcomings.

Healing is…

Beautiful. Breathtaking. Lovely. Because in all the mess and pain, the most captivating event occurs. One arises from the ashes. Anew. Stronger. Braver. More powerful. Shedding layers that contained comparison, judgement, superficial things. Gaining deeper connections, real and steady people, fresh perspective. To me, there is nothing more stunning to see a person endeavoring to heal.

Healing is…

Mercy. Grace. God’s love. Because as our Father, He must give us tough love to be a better, wholehearted person. Just as I am raising future adults, God is raising future Heaven dwellers. Holding me steady when I falter and mess up. Holding me when love and comfort is what I desperately need. Showing me the way when I am lost and confused. As I do for my children, He does for me. I am His daughter. Always.

Healing is…

Required. Needed. Vital. Because I am worthy of healing. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of peace. Although I didn’t ask for what was done, I must give myself the gift of healing. Yes it is unfair. Yes it is cruel. Yes it is painful. The actions wronged. I cannot change that. What I can change is how the rest of my story is written. And to do that, the healing work is essential.

 

“The place of true healing is a fierce place. It’s a giant place. It’s a place of monstrous beauty and endless dark and glimmering light. And you have to work really, really, really hard to get there, but you can do it.” Cheryl Strayed