Lovely in the Dark

Note: Lately, I have been experiencing conflicting emotions. Divorce makes me question so much of my former marriage and husband. Reality of what was gets clouded and confused in grief and insecurities. A friend gave me some clarity today. Reminding me, I do not regret loving him. 

I am just weeks away from my divorce to be final. Finally it will all be over. The waiting, the in between, the being legally married but the marriage was over long ago. Being his wife in name only. Done. Over. Finished. And I cried. I left my lawyer’s office the other day and cried. Sobbed. Tears rolling down my face as I drove back to work.

I will not be celebrating. I will not be throwing a party. A drink will be in order but not because I am glad it is over. More like relieved. Relieved that the legal process is done.  We get to start moving forward in our lives with different paths. Always connected together, yet making a life apart.

Just because I am going to be divorced does not mean that I wish for those years together to disappear. As though they didn’t mean anything to me. Just because we aren’t spending our lives together doesn’t mean that I regret the years we did. I have no regrets.

I do not regret loving him. Because by loving him, I was loved by him. And that love showed me how to compromise, share and be unselfish. It showed me that I could be loved. However, I learned I need a better and stronger love than he could or can ever give me.

I do not regret living with him. Because by living with him, he introduced me to spontaneity, adventure, and fun.

I do not regret marrying him. Because by marrying him, I learned that marriage is hard. It is not all romance and fairy tales. It is the good, the bad, and the really ugly. But also worth it.

I do not regret trying to save our marriage. Because by saving it, I was putting him and what we created a priority. I put all of my effort and heart into what we could have had in our marriage. I know that although it wasn’t to be, I still tried. And meant it.

I do not regret having his children. Because making me a mom was the greatest gift he ever gave me. He gave me two people to love and a chance to love him more. He gave me my T & G. And that means more to me then I can even describe.

I do not regret how I handled the 17 months of our separation. Because during this time, I have grown into someone I never knew I could be. Or wanted to be. I have done things that showed me I will be okay. I will move forward with my life in a much better way than I was living.

I do not hate the pain or suffering I endured by him. Because it was what needed to happen for me to change. To grow. To come to rely on God. To find the inner strength I never knew I had. To see the beauty in the life I have.

I do not hate him. I never have and never will.

I do not regret helping him. Ever. When we dated, when we were married, when we were separated. Or when he needs help in the future.

I do not regret supporting him. Because he supported me. And still does. Just in a different way.

I would do it again. If I knew 11 years ago, when I was 22, that this is how it would turn out, I would still love him. I would still marry him. I would still have his children. Because in the end, although it wasn’t always easy and wasn’t always good, it was mine. I am proud of how I loved him. I am proud to be the mother of his children. I am proud of how I have handled our separation and divorce. I do not have any regrets of the years I spent with him.

I can’t. Because if I did, I would be saying none of it mattered. What I have today, I wouldn’t have if I didn’t love him. All of it. The family, the friends, the boys, the job, the blog. The joy, the sorrow, the happiness, the sadness. Courage and strength. The hurt. The pain. The inner peace. Love. The miracle of motherhood. God. Jesus. My future and whomever that includes.

The day the divorce is final, I will cry. In sadness and in thankfulness. Because by loving him, I have my life.

Originally published on Her View From Home