Lovely in the Dark

I have always been scared. Scared of the unknown. Getting hurt. Living alone. Being left. Not having enough money. Not being liked or pretty enough or smart enough or sexy enough. Making mistakes. Enduring physical assault. Feeling pain. I lived a very long time allowing my fears to live for me.

When my marriage was blowing up around me, my fears took a different course. Fear of relying on him for money, losing my children, sharing my children, moving and being capable enough. Fear of trusting myself. I was scared of enduring the separation and divorce process. I knew it was going to be difficult and brutal. I feared all of it. I feared still being in love with him. And no longer allowed to share my life and love with him.

Today, I still have a few of those divorce fears. But right now, these are my fears.

I fear being emotionally vulnerable to another man. Trusting him and the words he says. I fear I will forget how to accept all of a person and not just the good, quick burst of heat and flash. I know being hurt in relationships is inevitable. All relationships. But I am more scared that I will screw it up before anything can get deeper than the beginning.

I fear winter. Ten days before Christmas 2015, I died. I died in a thousand ways possible. My marriage. My future. My home. My life. My motherhood role. Some friendships. Some connections. Old me. All dead. Winter reminds me of death, dark, and grief. Also, the past two winters I found myself drowning in depression. Crawling back out of the deep dark pit left me with invisible scars.  Yes. I fear winter. Very much so.

I fear success. In my writing. In my blog. In my voice. Some days, this all seems natural and normal. Just a part of me. Other days, it forces me to expose the hardest and toughest faults I have. I have to make decisions based on my heart and gut while knowing it effects others. My children. My family. My friends. My writing scares me. Because it is taking me on a new, never dreamed of life journey. I could fail. This place is not just about me and my healing anymore. I have others relying on me. I feel that. I want to be real and honest sharing my story. This fear is included.

I have more. So many more fears. But they flow in and out of me daily. No longer am I scared of popularity or prettiness. No longer am I scared of being enough for someone else. I know what true self love is and those fears melted away. Money. Well, I will always worry about money and having too little or too much.

The thing I now know about fear is that I will survive whatever comes my way. I already have. I know I can live despite what could happen. I acknowledge that I do have inside of me what it takes to overcome adversity. I work hard. I humble myself before others. I ask for help. I push through. I give as much as I get. I pray and trust in God.

I hold on to the last sentence. I pray and trust in God. That has been the best guidance for me in surviving and thriving these past few years. Yet, the those fears I listed above. They give me great pause. Hesitant in moving forward. But I can’t stop winter from coming. That is impossible. I can’t stop the words. I have tried. They churn inside of me. Making me miserable and ecstatic. Fulfilled and empty. I can’t stop moving forward. And that means someone new. I cannot heal and trust without giving someone the opportunity to be honest and open with me. And vice versa.

I have come a long way in how I view life and this world. My perspectives have radically changed. But that doesn’t mean I am immune to fears. They are real and present. Yet, deep within me, I know whatever happens, I will be okay.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3