Waiting for the next time

I am a believer. I always have been. My relationship with God and Jesus has grown and deepened in the past few years. The early days of my separation, I threw myself into the word. Praying. Worship. Fellowship. I handed over my hurts, my fears, my struggles, my heart. I said take it. Keep it safe. Help me through. Give me strength.

If God loves me why? I understood the first time. Even the second and third time. He was using me for something greater. He was transforming me into new. The fourth time I fell and shattered, I thought come on. Please just give me something back. God, you are taking and taking and taking more of me. I have nothing left. When the dust settled, I stood back up and felt disconnected with God.

This disconnection has been occurring for months now. I still wake up every morning thanking the Lord for this day. For the sweet boys I get to mother. I ask Him for courage and strength. I go to bed repeating these words. Throughout the day, I may talk with Him. Some days, I forget to turn to Him.

I can’t go to church. I tried. I feel lost and out of place. I feel confused in my role. I don’t know where I belong. And in the midst of this stage in my life where I already feel awkward and don’t belong, my heart cannot take trying to fit in at church.

I have been feeling good. Stable. Strong. Ready to move a step forward in reconnecting with God. Yet, I am holding myself back. I am waiting. Waiting for the next time to happen. Waiting for my face to hit the floor. Again. Waiting to be pushed back down. It is a horrible way to live. Always waiting for the next time. But this has been my life for the past few years. I can’t remember what life is without the next time.

It is here.

Face down in the arena. Again. I have been here before. Multiple times. My freshly scabbed over scars ripped open. Again. Oozing. Bleeding. But now they are infected. The fresh air is only causing the sickness to deepen. Ripen. Spread.

Face in the dirt. Gasping for breath. Holding still until the pain passes. I am broken. Once again. And I just can’t. When every other time came, I turned to God. Trusting Him. Believing Him. Knowing He is close. And I just can’t. I write this with tears rolling down my face. I don’t what hurts more. That I just can’t with divorce, hurt, grief. Or that I just can’t with God.

I have read the stories. I have heard the redemption of Christ in people’s lives. I know of His goodness, His mercy, His grace. I know He is true. I do. I believe in Him and the everlasting life He will bring to me in Heaven. Glory is mine when I leave this earth.

I don’t know a time where I don’t feel broken. I don’t know why He is holding back from me. I don’t know His timing. I don’t know why that for Him to work inside of me I have to be face down in the arena. Again. I don’t know how many more times again I can do before I lose all faith.

I will keep praying. I will keep thanking Him every morning. I will praise Him for the blessings in my life. For I know they are present and real. I will keep the hope in my heart.

But I will always be waiting for the next time.


8 thoughts on “Waiting for the next time

  1. Katie, dear heart! It’s ok to feel this way. I have been here too, as a matter of fact, it is kinda where I am now. Different circumstances, but still, separate from God at the moment. You can be sad, angry, scared, even sick of it. His plan won’t change. His love for you won’t waver.
    A good friend once told me, when I told him I was at the very end of my rope, that God’s plan is perfect, even when we don’t understand. That statement touched my soul to its deepest and to this day, brings me comfort. Huge comfort. Nothing surprises my Heavenly Father and He knows my heart better than I do. He knows exactly what you are going through and where you are on His path for you. His love for you is bigger than all of this.
    You are going to be ok. I promise. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Something to know that many people don’t understand or think about, I have heard that the medications we take for anxiety and depression can also mess without ability to feel God’s presence and help. To me that makes a lot of sense, but also the very nature of depression and anxiety have a huge effect on all areas of our life. Why should our relationship with God be any different? Give yourself grace for now. Keep holding on to the things he would have you hold on to. That’s what I’m trying to do anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi lovely lady💕💕
    I go through this too and it’s hard… I feel guilty for not just believing and questioning why, and what am I supposed to do now. Where is my sign? I have faith filled days and days where I believe but it’s not the same🤔

    One thing I try to remember is that the Lord doesn’t do it to me, he gets me through…
    When I look back over the past 50 years and see all of the times that the end was near, because of life choices, illness, my mental health or any number of circumstances where I thought I couldn’t take any more… I realize, I am 50 years old, look at everything I survived!!
    A counsellor once told me I was resilient, I called BS, but you know what? I am and so are you💕💕💕

    I need to believe the Lord gets me through, he knows my pain and he is there even if I feel disconnected. I am Gods kid and at some point the crap will stop and I will be able to say ‘thank-you Lord, we did it’!!!💕💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for writing what you do! I switched my medication late last year and I started to feel a lot better, but, there is always this voice in the back of my head that says, “Krystal, you know this is temporary, you know that you will feel like xrap again and you have to keep fighting his battle”. This is always a next time and I’m so glad I’m not alone. I’m at that point where I’m getting to my “low”, starting to just feel depressed, I know it’s just part of this disease, it will get better, following your blog always makes me feel like someone knows how I am feeling!!!! Thank you!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for writing what you do! I switched my medication late last year and I started to feel a lot better, but, there is always this voice in the back of my head that says, “Krystal, you know this is temporary, you know that you will feel like crap again and you have to keep fighting this battle”. There is always a next time and I’m so glad I’m not alone. I’m at that point where I’m getting to my “low”, starting to just feel depressed, I know it’s just part of this disease, it will get better, following your blog always makes me feel like someone knows how I am feeling!!!! Thank you!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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