Lovely in the Dark

I have been told multiple times that anger is a secondary emotion. Meaning, there is another emotion driving the anger. The primary emotion usually grief, hurt, betrayal, loneliness. People would rather feel the anger than expose and accept the real issue. Some people thrive off of anger and wrap it around themselves like a shield. Having anger was never going to allow me to heal because it was a facade for something else.

Me being me, I took this to heart. Anytime in this separation and divorce process I felt anger, I set it aside. I discovered and worked on the fear, guilt, hurt, sadness. I would say nope, not today anger. This is really something else. I have cried a million tears over all the emotions I was feeling. But not one tear on anger.

I refused to be angry because I knew it wouldn’t do me any good. The Bible tells me this. Friends tell me this. Anger is not productive. No one wants to hear about how angry you are. It is misery wrapped up inside of you. So, I was not angry.

Now.

I am angry.

I have withheld myself this emotion. This state of mind. This reality. This healing. But not anymore. I have realized that anger is a primary emotion. It isn’t always fueled by something else. Right now, I am in a state of plain old anger.

Oh gosh, I wish I wasn’t. I don’t like it. It doesn’t sit well with me. It is uncomfortable. It is distracting. It is distressing. It is hard. It is confusing. Even more than grief and loneliness. Why? Because I have to decide for myself what I am going to do with it. Why? Because it shows me that I am not perfect. I can’t pretend to always be happy and nice. My anger is exposing my human faults and realities.

I am not walking around slamming doors, going off on trivial offenses, or making others walk on eggshells around me. I am not lashing out. I am not using my anger to hurt others. My anger isn’t visible. No. It is inside of me. Edging around my heart. Attempting to burrow into my soul.

I really want to push the anger away again. Blame it on grief, depression, loneliness. Anything else. But I can’t. I have held it away long enough. Now I need to sit in the anger. I need to muddle through. I need to stew in the frustration, fury, and rage.

Ugh! I am completely churned up inside. Out of my element. I know what to do with the hurt and the disease. I know what tools work for my grief and anxiety. I know who to call when I need to talk my tears out. I am clueless with what to do with my anger. So it is just present inside of me. Lingering like an unwanted visitor.

I don’t know what to do with it. My anger. I can’t let it stay. I can’t really voice it. I can’t really fix it. It is present and needs to be recognized and felt. So I sit. I wait. I absorb. I breathe it in. And pray that I exhale it out.

I am praying. God knows this is shaking me up. Once again, He is making me go through. Not around. Once again, He is making me be vulnerable. Uncomfortable. He is making me look deep within myself. To find strength. To find peace. To find healing. Because anger is part of the healing. I see that now.

So I am angry. And it is where I need to be right now. Even though I really don’t like it.