Lovely in the Dark

We are changed people.

I know this. I acknowledge this. Yet, sometimes my heart remembers a time where we weren’t. We were the two young adults madly in love with each other. We were giddy about our relationship, our future, our life together. In my decade with him, I never lost those butterflies whenever I saw him.

Now all I feel is dread. Anxiousness. Sadness. The effects of separation and divorce. I prefer not to think of him. The less I do the better it is for me. But, the product of our once love is my T and G, so I see him every time I look into their eyes. His picture and name are present in our home. He is entwined into my life for the rest of my earthly days.

We are changed people.

I found out that no matter how much you love someone, they can walk away. I gave all my love to him. All of it. I often wondered why he picked me. Why he loved me. Why me. I couldn’t believe he wanted me. So I spent my years proving to him that I was worthy. Worthy of him choosing me. I became whoever he needed me to be. Afraid one day he wouldn’t want me anymore.

We are changed people.

I am free of that life. Always living in fear of him walking away. Always feeling insecure in my worth. Always feeling inadequate and inferior.  Always giving all my love away. I didn’t even know it had such a tight hold over me. Me desperately clinging to him. Him allowing me to feel this way for years and not doing anything about it.

We are changed people.

Or maybe I am changed and he is still the same. Maybe he really has found his one person and he has changed for her. Or maybe I stopped changing for other people and changed for myself.

Now I fight for myself. Now I love myself. No longer will I allow someone else to deem my worthiness. No longer will I allow someone else to make me believe it was all because of me. I have read somewhere that a person cannot truly love until they learn to love themselves. I understand this now. Yes, I loved him. It was the only way I knew how to love him. But, I don’t think it was a very good love. It was a desperate love. For both of us. From either of us. Neither of us really knew how to love in a way that would endure the hardships of life. We tried. We fumbled around. We lost.

We are changed people.

I am excited to take who I am now and pair it with another soul. To experience life and love with my reconstructed heart. I will never place myself into that past life again. I worked long and hard to heal from it. I have fought to become this woman I am today.

The ebbs and flows of divorce are not as severe but ever present. I have days where the anger and bitterness eat at me. I have days where the grief and sadness make me ache. I have moments of wishing I could see him with my old eyes, when I still loved him and looked at him with love. I have moments of fond memories that created our children. I think how could I have ever loved a person who made me feel so unloveable. I think of the hurt, the lies, the pain, and wonder why I wanted to spend my life with him. A few times a week, I wake and wonder how the hell my life got here. The other days, I can’t even remember how I lived that life with him.

We are changed people.