Lovely in the Dark

This vacation was a year in the making. Some sun. Some sand. Some wedding festivities. A perfect reason to jet down south and take in a Mexican holiday. Winter was rough. ROUGH. I found myself slugging through depression again. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I welcomed this vacation with open arms.

The day before I panicked. Divorce was creeping into my head. Fears and insecurities were making me doubt. My heart was screaming at me to stay. Don’t go. Don’t leave my babies. My head was shaking me and saying get on that plane. Now. Do not hesitate. Do not overthink. Go and rest.

I really needed rest. Rest from life. From constantly battling depression with anxiety. From divorce, co-parenting, healing wounds. From single motherhood with bill paying, two drop offs, laundry, dishes, meltdowns, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, tantrums, bath times, and bedtimes. From a full-time job that requires the blunt of my day. From responsibility. From adulthood.

I needed this time away so desperately, I worried I would mess it up. Rather than just relax and enjoy, I was afraid I would focus on what I left back at home.

I am happy to say I relaxed. I rested. I had fun. I lived. And I brought home so much more than a tan.

I was reminded that family is really special. Fun. Clutch your stomach laughing so hard fun. Family can come together after being apart and just be. We have a love and bond that goes deeper than just sharing of a last name. We have a connection between us that won’t be broken by the hardships of life. We are built on love, forgiveness, teasing, and friendships.

I was reminded what the sun felt like. The heat. The warmth. The browning of the skin. Laying there half asleep. Letting the rays kiss my skin. Letting my body fully soften. I didn’t need to go anywhere. I didn’t need to worry about anyone else. I just laid there. Sipping on my cerveza. Reading my book.

I was reminded that I need to be alone. Back home, I live with my two sons. Every other weekend they go to their dads. I am alone. But it is a forced alone time, which never sat well.  Mexico showed me that when I am alone, I am more focused on myself. I am more in tune to what my heart and body need. I require good, quality alone time with myself to recharge and reconnect.

I was reminded that I can have fun at any age. I might not be able to eat whatever I want or drink whatever I want, but maturity and age doesn’t require a person to forgo fun. When I am in a pool with a dozen other people, Cesear (our waiter) keeps the rounds coming, and the laughter, singing, and dancing keeps flowing, how can I not have fun?!

I was reminded that I will be okay. I needed to step away. I needed to look at my life from a distance. I needed to see where I have been and how far I have come. I needed to see that my future is already set into motion. I can’t stop now. The writing and blogging are now a part of who I am. God is leading me to be a voice. I am on a stepping stone to something larger in His plan.

I came home with a new sense of gratefulness. I love my life. I love my children. I love where I am at right now. Not always easy. Not exactly where I would like it to be. But my life is really good. I like who I am and how I am living.

I came home with hopefulness. Hope is growing inside of me again. Small, yet present. My divorce shattered so much. Hope being one of them. My life didn’t end with my divorce. It merely shifted. To something new. To someone new. I was reminded that my life is just beginning.  My divorce saved my life. I have been handed a second chance at life. I am living the hell out of these cards I have been given.

I came home. Home to where my life and heart is.

Thank you Mexico for your blue skies, fine food, delicious tequila, and warm sun.

I will be back when I need another reminder.