To my son on your 4th birthday, you saved me

Oh my sweet baby boy. Here you are. Four. It was just yesterday I met you. It was love at first sight. My G. It took me awhile to warm up to the idea of you. I couldn’t believe how quickly it happened. See, I didn’t think I could love you like I did your big brother. I didn’t know that I could lose my heart to two children. I didn’t know my heart could hold enough love for two. Two sons. Your brother and I shared a special bond. It was him and me for two and a half years. I wasn’t ready to share myself with anyone else.

But oh then I laid eyes on you and I was lost. There was no going back. You had my heart and soul. Your entrance was nothing grand like your brother’s. I felt every pain of pushing you out. All was forgotten the second they laid you on my chest. Tears rolling down my face, I knew I would never be the same again.

You saved me.

My child, I am sorry. Sorry that you will never remember what it was like to live in a house with both your parents. Sorry that having two homes, two families, and two different lives is your everyday normal. Sorry that one day you may wonder if it was because of you. My child, I never wanted this life for you or your brother.

You saved me. Your birth and early days were so simple. No NICU. No feeding tubes. Just you, me, and your dad. You were so easy to care for and love. Sweet snuggles. Plenty of smiles. You were the must needed addition to our family.

You saved me. In those early days when I was grieving deeply, I would lay next to your little body and cry. You showed concern but you didn’t understand. You not quite two yet. So much change in such a short amount of time in your life. Moves. Upheaval. Confusion.

You and your brother’s laughter, smiles, hugs, and kisses soothed my broken heart. The unconditional love I was given made me stronger everyday. You and T were the reason I woke everyday, took every breathe needed to live, and the motivation to be better. Because of you, I am me. I am stronger, braver, kinder, and more compassionate because of you and your brother. You saved me.

My sweet sweet little G man. You are my lovely. My light. You are funny, sweet, sassy, kind, gentle, and a typical boy. You love pretty things, animals, music, and sweets. You have no fear, acting before you think. I think you are more like me than I would like to admit, with your theatrics and teenager attitude. Yes, you are weird. You definitely get that from me.

I love watching you grow. I love seeing you experience the world and all that it has to offer. I see joy and love in your eyes. I see family and life. I see heaven and earth. Having two boys scared me. Sometimes it still does. There are times I lay awake at night and pray I am not screwing you up. I don’t know what I am doing but know this. My love for you is true. It is everlasting and constant. I will cheer you. I will hold you. I will push you forward. I will wipe away your tears. I will wave goodbye. I will welcome you home.

I am your beacon.

You are my lovely.

Happy Birthday my son.

I love you.


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