Honestly, I don’t know why I write or even have this blog. I just do. It happened by accident. I never set out to follow this path. I have always kept a journal, writing how I was thinking or feeling. But, it wasn’t that special. The words were pretty plain. I never would reread my entries and sharing them with others would have been my greatest nightmare.
Yet, one Sunday a couple weeks after my husband moved out, I had this overwhelming need to write down these words that suddenly appeared in my heart and head. I submitted it to Leslie at Her View From Home. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I felt so alone in my early days of separation, the need to have a voice and tell someone, anyone, how I was feeling. Even though it was anonymous. Even though I didn’t think what I wrote was that good. I just wanted to be seen and heard.
The words kept coming. The need to let them out increased. My writing is for me. Blogging is my journal. However, rather than keeping it under my bed, I have the pages open for the whole internet world to read. Scary, yes. Terrifying, actually.
It is not easy. This writing and sharing. Especially in the moments when the words are causing me to keep the wounds open, rather than hiding them away. I have typed with tears pouring down my face. Sentences paused because the sobs are racking my whole body. Posts that force me to identify my flaws, sins, and weaknesses. Making me realize the mercy and grace I am granted daily from my Lord. Yet, I can go back and reread my words and see clearly how far I have come. Sometimes, I don’t even recognize what I wrote. Amazed that it came from me.
But it is not all good. I have opened myself up to the opinions and thoughts of others. I have gotten caught up in the number of likes, comments, and shares. Moments believing my worth is dictated by the amount of followers I have. I can get so immersed in the blogging world that I lose sight of what is right in front of me. Not always have I chosen to write for me or to help someone else. I have done it to prove to my former husband that I have made something of myself. See look at me. I am better than you. I am better off without you. Thank goodness God reminded me that I am a sinner too. He gently pushes me (and sometimes He shoves me flat on my face) to see the sin right there.
I want to shout out and say I am more than this blog! I am not all serious and Bible quoting. I laugh. I swear. I drink. I dance. I sing. I drool in my sleep. I eat way to much sugar. I drink mass amounts of coffee. I really want to make people laugh. I yell at my kids. I just discovered GIFs and only want to respond with them. My blog is a little part of me that I am sharing. Yes, it is a very important piece of me. Basically my heart, my faults, my fears, etc. I also want to say that my words aren’t just words. I put the action behind them too. Actions speak louder than words. For me, this is truth. This blog holds me accountable to what I say. If you have ever wondered or doubted if I am what I say I am, ask my friends. Ask my family. They know where I struggle, where I can work at being better.
I am not using this platform I have been given to brag. Honestly, I am very humbled and slightly star struck that I get to write next to some pretty fab women and men. I geek out when one of them comments or shares my post. Seriously. I will never be able to express how lucky I am to be a part of this group. They are sweet element to my lovely.
Anyways, where am I going with this? I don’t know. I had the need to explain a bit about why I blog. What is next for me and Lovely in the Dark? I don’t know. I have no goals other than to write, keep standing up for Mental Illness, and connecting with others who are on a similar journey as me. Would I like to go viral and have my name plastered all over the big sites? I don’t know. At one time I did. But I see how overwhelming it can be. I see my fellow writers having their words stolen. It scares me. Will I ever stop blogging? I don’t know that either. Maybe the words will dry up. Maybe God will change the purpose of my words. For right now, I will write. I will share. I will keep my heart open and soft.
For this right here is another piece of my lovely.