Lovely in the Dark

It’s Thanksgiving week. All month long my Social Media feeds that been filled with gratefulness, blessings, and thankfulness. November is a month to reflect about the people and things in our lives that we might take for granted but we know are truly blessings.

I will admit by the end of the month, I tend to roll my eyes at all the blessings posts. Call me the grinch. I pry am. It doesn’t mean I don’t recognize how lucky I am to be living this life. Sitting on my counter is my own Grateful jar that I have been filling with my thankful moments and people. I am so very thankful for my home, my family, my sons, my tribe. But as I was getting ready this morning, a thought popped up and I realized I have some blessings that on the surface might not look like one.

I am thankful for my depression.

Yes this mental disease can tear me down and turn me all sorts of crazy. Yet, my illness has brought clarity to my life. Depression forces me to stop, to rest, to appreciate the little joys and triumpths in life. Ones that without the disease, I would pry overlook. I must take good care of my mind and body with this disease. I have learned over the years that self care is vital and never selfish. When I stopped running from my health issues and embraced it, I lost the shame and grew confidence.

I am thankful for my divorce.

I am not stating that I am happy I am divorced. I loved my husband and family. I believe what we had was worthy enough to fight for and last. What I am saying is that I needed this divorce to fully see what I was meant for in this life. The purpose I yearned for in life is now seen. How I was living before wasn’t really living. I needed a life altering experience to show me what God always had planned for me. Old me would never had said she was thankful for divorce. New me sees the beauty that is rising from the ashes. I have faith that the direction I am taking is only to be richer and better.

I am thankful for my former husband. 

I am pretty lucky that I can say this. We are both working very hard at having a good relationship together. Co-parenting is going smoothly. There are always a few hiccups here and there. But that is life. I know he cares for me. Just as I care for him. And I know that if I needed the help, he would be there for me. That is a blessing that I hold in my heart.

I am thankful for my loud voice. 

Because with it, I am here. Writing. Sharing. Exposing. I am able to be real with you all. I am able to voice my deepest fears, insecurities, and obstacles. My loud voice is the portal to my heart. I can use it to be a beacon of hope for others. I can speak about mental illness, divorce, God, motherhood, friendship, and so much more. No longer am I embarressed by having one. No longer am I ashamed by this gift that I have been given. It is a part of me. And I like it.

Sometimes it is difficult to see past the troubles that are in our lives. It takes courage to look past the initial pain and sufferring to look deeper in ourselves and the situations we are facing. Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect and see. From where you are today compared to last year, last month, last week, yesterday. Look for the light. It may only be a spark. But that is the only way a fire is started.

Happy Thanksgiving my friends.