I almost let myself believe that I was too much. Too intense. Too loud. Too big. I almost let what others think and feel towards me bring me down. Over this past week, my anxiety overtook my confidence and made me believe I shouldn’t be who I am.
I am all of these things. I am intense. I am loud. I am a big personality. And because I am all of these, I feel. I love. I appreciate. I hurt. I cry. I worry. I care. I am who I am and I don’t want to change that. I am quick to smile and laugh. I am clumsy yet graceful. I overthink more than I would like too. I open my arms to new experiences. I pray and believe in God. I am generous and selfish. I am affectionate and say I love you.
I know that I can be too much for some people. I am not for everyone. But I am just right for those that know me and love me. I am exactly what my tribe needs. I am the perfect piece in my family. For those who love me know this. I am loyal. I am kind. I am compassionate. I love hard and deeply. I have a mouth on me that often times says first and thinks later. I am accepting. Of you and who you are. I choose to see the good.
Yes, I have insecurities. I have issues. I am my worst enemy. I am a complex woman. I will even admit that I am crazy. Crazy in the sense that I am willing to give someone or something my all. I don’t half ass life. I give a part of myself to those that come into my life. I am crazy that I want to give my heart to others even when I know that I might get hurt when they walk out. I am broken. I am healing. I have cracks in places that are still covered in darkness.
I am big and bright and vibrant. I want to throw glitter around like sunshine. I want to know people. I want to explore what makes them laugh, cry, and love. I want to discover more of this world and what it has to offer me. I want to give pieces of my heart wherever I land. And I am willing to take the risk of getting hurt. Of feeling pain. Of losing a little bit of me.
So take it or leave it.
I am not going to dim down my sparkle to make you feel more comfortable. I am not going to lessen who I am to fit into the perfect square of what society wants. I am going to soak up joy. I am going to dance to my favorite song. I am going to sing along at the concert of my favorite band. I will flip you off when I am mad. I am going to call or text when I am thinking of you. I am going to eat all the food and drink all the drinks. I am going to live this life I am given. I am not going to apologize for being me.
However, I will apologize when I am wrong. I will humble myself before you all. I will constantly work at learning from my mistakes. I will continue to seek grace and mercy. For God didn’t make a mistake when He created me this way. He knew exactly what He was doing. He knows how big my heart is because He created it. God designed me as I am for a purpose. I believe my purpose in this dark and cruel world is to give love. To show what kindness, friendship, and love looks like.
I get that might scare people off. It would have me too before my divorce. I am scared too. Of getting hurt when I share who I am. Of loving and losing. But I am also scared of what I will miss if I don’t try or take risks. For tomorrow is not guaranteed. Therefore, I want to soak up what this world and what you might have to offer me.
So take me or leave me. But know this. I am worth it.
Lovely in the Dark 