Lovely in the Dark

Pride.

A word that has many meanings. A feeling or deep pleasure derived from one’s own achievements. The consciousness of one’s own dignity. The quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance.

The last sentence. The last sentence is true for me. I held myself up to a higher standard. I am better. I am worthy. I wore my pride of my actions around like this grand award. Strutting around. Head held high. Look at me. I am a good person.

Pride.

It came tumbling down, crashing around me along side everything else in my life. Now, thinking back to my former life, I don’t know how I was living. With it all weighing down my shoulders. The perfection. The pride. The unhappiness of trying to pretend I had it all. I was doing so much damage to myself, to my marriage, to my children. Utter desperation to keep it all together nearly killed my soul.

Divorce has been the most humbling experience of my life. It has forced me to shed layers and layers of myself before God, my family and friends, my children, and my former husband. I faced my failures, my vulernabilities, my faults. I opened my eyes to see what was and what never will be. I am slowly accepting my life as what it is. Not what I use to be or what I wish it would have been.

So with that, I am swallowing my pride. I am saying no to my selfish ways. I am letting God take the lead.

I am divorced with two young children. Their father is forever a part of my life. I cannot change this. He is engaged and will marry. She is a vital person in my sons lives. I cannot change this. Even though I wish I could pretend that she isn’t. Even though I wish I could just ignore her existance. I can’t. And I won’t. But I can change the way I preceive and accept. I can hate. I can resist. I can bitch and moan. Or I swallow my pride. I breathe in the hurt and absorb it into my heart. I let God show me the way.

I choose the latter.

Last night, my two Ghostbusters and I were joined by their dad and his fiance. We went up and down the streets Trick or Treating. Because this is what our family looks like. Because all three of us are choosing to live in harmony to give our T & G a family unit. I love my children. Their dad loves my children. Their soon to be step mom loves my children.

I am not sharing with you to boast about my good and kind deeds. To show you that I chose to be the better person and invited them along. NO! I am telling you this so I keep me and my sinful pride in check. Living in peace, with what was and is, constantly pushes me. It isn’t easy. It hurts. I have to dig deep within myself to be kind and gracious when my heart is aching. I have to look for the blessing in the situation. Even when I don’t really care to.

I beg God to give me strength and courage to do what He is asking me to do. To live my life according to His way and not mine. Which means letting go. Which means humbling myself before the world. Which means admitting co-parenting and accepting this life I have doesn’t always bring out the best in me. That negative feelings linger still. But God forgives me. He hasn’t given up on me and my faults.

If you ever need an example of whether or not God is real, look at me. I am not doing this journey alone. I don’t do these actions alone. I don’t think these thoughts alone. I don’t write these words alone. He does. He is.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

The LORD Almighty planned it, to bring down her pride in all her splendor and to humble all who are renowned on the earth. Isaiah 23:9