It has been a week. Today a struggle for me to hold it together. Just irritated with everything. Stressful at work. Throw in some PMS, the hundredth meltdown for I don’t even know the reason, and two kids complaining about the food I made again for supper, I had it.
I yelled. More than my typical raising my voice. I yelled. It was close to a scream. Both started to cry. Maybe because I scared them a little. Maybe because they knew I wasn’t giving in to their demands. Maybe because they have had a week too. We all calmed down. I drank a glass a wine. I said I was sorry for yelling. We’re good.
Time to eat. More tears, more complaining, more everything. I yelled again. I threw my arms around, kicked the floor, and had a good ole temper tantrum. Yes, I am the adult. Yes, I need to be teaching them how to handle anger, disappointment, yada yada yada.
Not tonight, I am not. And I really don’t care. I have no guilt for yelling at them. They deserved it. Yep, I said it. They were acting like jerks and I had no more tolerance. If you started reading this thinking I was going to have some sort of breakthrough in my motherhood journey; I was going to realize life is short and I need to take care of their fragile hearts and emotions.
Well you can stop reading now. This is not that type of blog post. This is the type of blog post where I tell you that yelling is not my guilt trip. I have a loud voice. I yell when I am upset. I yell when I lose my last ounce of patience. Hell, I even yell when I am happy.
I am here to tell you that my kids are just fine. I still read my oldest books and had snuggles at bedtime. The little man and I are patting along to Little Einsteins as I write. I don’t have time to let a bad day eat at me. I already knew I was in a crummy mood when I picked them up after work. I knew that the likelihood of me losing my cool tonight was pretty high.
I have big emotions. I have bad days. I have good days. I have emotional days. I have stressful days. I am a woman. I am human. Why do I expect myself not to? Why do I expect myself to always be a calm, happy, peaceful person? Cause I AM NOT! And neither do you have to expect that of yourself.
If anything, I am giving my boys a life lesson in dealing with confrontation and difficult situations. I am teaching them to build up some thicker skin. I am teaching them to apologize when they acted not in the best way.
Honestly, I feel a little bad about yelling at them tonight. But give me another glass of wine and it will pass. I have too many other things to worry about and take care of then let the mom guilt of losing my shit at my kids or in front of my kids take up my time.
Also, I am not even trying to be that picture perfect mom anymore. Don’t look to me for #momoftheyear #momguilt #bestmomever #winningthismomlife. I already know I am doing all of that. Because I show up everyday for them. I wake up to be better than I was yesterday. I am the mom my T & G need. Not the mom someone thinks I should be. I am a badass. I do the bad days, the good days, and the mediocre days. I love them in ways they don’t even know. For my love isn’t always concrete. It isn’t always visible.
My yelling tonight doesn’t dim the love I have for them. It doesn’t minimize my commitment to them. Or diminish my awesomeness as their mom. My yelling is just something that happens at the end of a really long, emotional week.
Oh and guess what. I have no guilt for having no guilt. #badassmom #soareyou
#micdrop
Lovely in the Dark 