Lovely in the Dark

I can’t seem to write. The words are not quite there. Just on the edge of my mind.  Even right now, I don’t know where this is even going. I have no point in this blog post. No theme. No advice points. Lately, I can’t tell you how I am feeling. Actually, no. That isn’t true. A good friend asked me how I am. My response: I am stable.

I am stable. No deep sadness or grief. My depression is controlled. No excitement or anticipation in anything. I am just stable. I get up and go about my day. I am living my life. The life that still baffles me that I am living. Divorced, single mom. Co-parenting. Dating (which I really am not doing). Raising two little boys while working full time. Almost two years later, I still am shocked that this is my life. Yet, it feels like this is how it has always been.

I get up everyday, thank the Lord for allowing me to serve Him today, and I go about my day. I do a mass amount of tasks and chores between home and work. I cook, clean, care for my children. Bathe. Bedtime. Prep for the next day. And repeat.

And I am okay. No huge mountains to climb. No deep dark waves to keep my head above. Just little ripples that come and go. Some barely touching me. Others just staying long enough for me to remember.

But isn’t this the type of life I was wanting. Especially when the times are hard. At the beginning of my separation. In the middle of the divorce process. When I thought I would never get past the really really hard. When I couldn’t imagine not being in pain. Getting up and going about my day without wondering what was going to come next that would shatter me.

Here I am. Over the biggest hurdle. Well, I am hoping so. And it feels wrong. It feels unnatural. For the past few years of my life, I have had so much uncertainty and undoing. The pain and suffering became my new normal. It became my everyday life. I was just surviving through the day, the hour, the minute. I never planned ahead because I didn’t know what my state of mind would be. When I did feel more solid in my healing, the next wave would crash into me. Bringing me to the verge of shattering.

Honestly, this stability is making me nervous. I am waiting. Waiting for more. More hurt. More deception. More lying. More suffering. I am scared that I will let my guard down with my steady life. I have been told that it (co-parenting, divorced life) gets EVEN easier. I laugh because I don’t know if it ever will. Or maybe I just get use to it and I forget what life was like before it all.

I am okay. Today. Right now. I am stable. I am not done healing. I am not done grieving. I am not done hurting. But it isn’t the all consuming it once was. The longevity and intensity is lessening. However, I still brace for it. I prepare myself for the next onset of hurt.

I keep leaning into God and His word. I keep moving forward. I keep doing what I am doing. And maybe stable will turn into progressing. Progressing into thriving. Thriving into flourishing.