Lovely in the Dark

I fell in love with someone yesterday. Actually it has been happening for a few months. I just realized it now. I am almost giddy with it. I am smiling now as I think of this love.

It’s me. I love ME.

In college, I was so excited to branch out of my small town and family. I didn’t want to be compared to anyone else. I found my voice. I was the audacious, fun, friendly girl. I wanted to be friends with everyone and I wanted everyone to be friends with me. I was unfiltered, a little wild, and the center of attention. Young, emotional, immature, and searching for my path. Yet, I always felt like I was losing my grip on the world, spinning out of control. I believed my happiness was found in others by the love that they had for me. I yearned for a great love. I found someone who helped me nurture my love and personality. He accepted me for who I was. So we started to build a life together.

Fast forward ten years and I lost that girl. Moves, responsibility, and pressure made me pessimistic and scared. It wasn’t just about me anymore. I had a husband and a growing family. With uncertainty of the future and my marriage, I threw my whole self into motherhood. I nursed and stayed home. I gave my preemie son all my love and effort. With a traveling husband, new baby, strained marriage, and depression, I became whatever I needed to be to survive that day. Parenting books and advice had me hopping from one type of mom to another. No friends and just my husbands family, I began to bury my true self to fit in. To be accepted into the culture of the moment. There were very select people that I felt like I could be myself around, although was I really? I was a shell of my former self. All my energy was placed on my marriage, my son and my new baby. I was holding onto a thin rope, trying to keep two people growing apart, together. I was tired all the time. I was lonely and alone. My heart ached. I was unhappy. I knew that the man I loved was slipping away. Saying goodbye to him and our past left me empty. I had nothing left. I believed I was nothing.

However, I rose from the ashes of my past, my marriage, and my pain to find me again. I didn’t even know I was that far gone. Little by little. Day by day. Hour by hour. Making decisions alone, being away from my children, and having to focus on me. I was forced to take time for me. I didn’t really know how to do that. So, I turned to Christ. I used to center my world around my husband and sons. Now I center my life around God and His son Jesus. His guidance and words center me. His love and forgiveness ground me. He is showing me what is in my heart. Who I am. And now I am more myself than I have ever been. I am a better mother, friend and daughter because of this. I am more than I ever thought I could be because of the Lord.

I like me. I am totally crushing on myself right now. This sounds really cocky and arrogant. And that’s okay. It probably is. I don’t want to change just so someone likes me. Take me as I am or lose me forever.

I am not perfect. I have a lot more work to do on myself. I am loud. Literally, I have a really loud voice. I am blunt, rude at times(where I want to stuff my foot in my mouth), kind (so kind at times I end up hurt), loving, fun, wishful, romantic, real, and clumsy. I will make a fool out of myself it it makes my boys laugh. I make jokes when I feel awkward. I want to make people smile and feel special. Just so they can forget their pain for a moment. I love fiercely. I am loyal. I like to hug, kiss, and hold hands. I prefer to be alone and be in the middle of a crowd. At times, I use my words to hurt and cut a person down. I am working on that. My emotions do the talking sometimes. I think a lot. Maybe over think. I care. About people, mother earth, and movements. Family is everything to me. I found my tribe. I feel comfortable with these women. They love me for me and not someone they wish I was. I want to lift these woman up as they do for me. I am becoming more spontaneous and adventurous. (Thank You former husband for teaching me to do this!) My cup is more half full than empty. I see the light more than the dark. I am stronger than I ever thought. I don’t want to be that 20 something girl anymore. I thought I did. She was immature and selfish. She didn’t love herself. Honestly, she would never have been able to get through these last ten months. She was just a baby. Now I am a woman, with battle scars to prove it.

I know I can be too much sometimes. I am trying to reign that in. Yet, I don’t want that part of me to be silenced. God made me the way I am for a reason. Big personality and all. I am content at this moment with who I am. I am happy. Maybe not with where my life is right now. But I am happy with me. I am happy and proud of who I became and what the future holds for me. I don’t know if I could have said that before.

Originally published on the amazing Her View From Home