Lovely in the Dark

I see now how my deep inner fears held me back from so much in my former life. (Check out Part One) I say former because I don’t live like that anymore. I can’t. I could never go back to what was.

Honestly, I forced myself. I forced myself to have a social life. To prove to my former husband I had one. That I can live and have fun without him. To show him that, look at me, I AM fun. I can spend money. I can do spontaneous things.  I was trying to prove to him that I could be the woman he wanted. By being someone new, maybe he would love me enough to come back.  I knew he hadn’t stopped living his life. I knew he was doing everything he wanted to do that he couldn’t when he was with me. He could now. I wasn’t holding him back.

There were days I was desperate to do something. Anything. I couldn’t let him see I didn’t have plans.

So at first, it was to prove to him. Now, it is to prove to me. Now, when I do, well pretty much anything, it is to see where it will take me. What pleasures will it give me? How will it make me feel? Will it change me? I stopped letting my long standing fears hold me back. I won’t let them. Yes, they do like to pop up now and then. Convincing me I can’t. I shouldn’t. The what if’s sneaking in and making me believe them. However, the thoughts don’t rule me anymore.

There will never be enough money. I could always use more. I can always make more. No, I am not wasting away my savings on frivolous things. Yes, I am more willing to open my wallet to buy a concert ticket or beer for a friend.

The risks will never go away. But I have seen that my biggest risk came with the most pain and I have survived it. Therefore, whatever I do, I now know that what I get out of my experience and life will outweigh the risk. Or if not, I can walk away without guilt.

Rather than talking myself out of doing something, I am finally courageous enough to do. To do life.

If you asked me to go skydiving with you, I would say sign me up.

Wanna go tubing down the river? Let me grab my swimsuit and a few beers.

Let’s try out this new restaurant. I will meet you there at 7.

Want to join me and a few friends at the Italian Fest? Absolutely.

But it isn’t all fun activities. It is this blog. Replying back to complete strangers who reach out to me. It is sending a random gift to a woman I met online. Meeting a group of fellow HVFH writers for coffee. Going to a concert with college friends I haven’t seen in a while. Speaking up in my bible group. Sharing my heart and soul with others. Being vulnerable. Sharing my fears. Making new friends. Rekindling old friendships.

My deepest fears are shaking to their core. I am doing everything I have been scared to do for years. I AM LIVING. I push myself to see people differently. I befriend others that I normally wouldn’t.

Hell, people. I found a new place to live, bought a car, filed for divorce, bought furniture, took a trip in an ambulance and a short stay in the hospital, flew 2 kids and myself to Chicago for 11 days, applied for jobs, interviewed multiple times, negotiated a job position, found a daycare, started a blog, joined Bumble and Tinder (yes we will talk more about this later), sent my oldest off to Kindergarten, found a new daycare for my second son, navigated doctors visits and health scares, and finalized a divorce ALONE. I had to make all of these decisions on my own. Yes, I took the advice and support from family and friends. But in the end, I was on my own. My fears were not able to thrive when I had to do all of this and so much more.

I no longer am trying to prove to my former husband that I am different. That I have changed into someone he would want to be with. He had me and didn’t do anything to try to keep me.

Everything I do is for me. Hell with my fears. I am proving to MYSELF what I am made of. Every day.

If I embarrass myself or someone can’t accept who I am, okay. I have my tribe who laughs with me. If I make you feel uncomfortable because I no longer try to be perfect and fit society rules, sorry not sorry. If I see one of my favorite bands is playing in Kansas City and I just HAVE to go, will you go with me? If I make the first move, will that scare you away or will that be exactly what you need too?

For so many years, I let my insecurities and inner fears dictate my life. Today, they barely make me pause.

My lovely. I am finding my lovely in this life of mine. And it feels so good.