Lovely in the Dark

I am so tired. Weary. Physically, emotionally, mentally. There are days, hours, minutes were I don’t know if I can take another step. Take another breath. Each day brings new challenges. Obstacles that loom larger and harder. I stand at the edge and I don’t even know how I will begin. The pain stabs me right in the stomach. In my heart. In my whole being. I bend over because I cannot stand up straight from the force the weight my life carries. From the pain that radiates through me.

There are times where I have to make myself stop. Make my brain go blank. Make the feelings go numb. My world is racing out of control. The urge to make the pain disappear by causing pain to myself has returned. The burden of the constant pain and suffering is wearing on me. My depression rears its ugly head. I fight it but I am tired. I am crying out. Crying out for someone to save me. Save me from drowning. Lord, show yourself to me. I need you. I am your daughter who is hurting.

Come to ME all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest -Matthew 11:28

I can’t tell you have many times I wonder when the next bend in the road will finally be good. When will it be about me. I try so hard to be the better person and I see nothing from it. When will the Lord give me some joyous times and news. That is so selfish of me. He shows Himself to me everyday. I am loved. I love. I have my boys who give me so much light. I am healthy. I am strong to battle my disease of depression. I have a good and safe home. Amazing friends. Steadfast and supportive family. I focus on the big when the everyday normal of my life is spectacular. I thank my Lord every day for the gifts He gives me. It’s the moments of being in pure agony that I forget. I become consumed in my situation and push aside what is. What I have. And what I will receive in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. -Psalm 55:22

When I am weary, I pray. When I cry, I pray. When I laugh, I pray. When I love, I pray. By praying I am finding my purpose. My identity. I am kind. I love with my whole heart and soul. I support those I care about. I live by my morals and those of God’s. This is God pushing me to forgive. To move on. To be the woman He created. This is God letting me live. I am living. My strength gets buried by the pain and betrayal. Yet it is rising above. The hurt and despair stay around less. My head is not bowed. Only to my Lord. My back is straightening. I am a woman. One who is strong. Worthy. Dependent on my Heavenly Father and his son.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:31

Tonight when I go home, I will kiss my sweet babes and praise God for this joyous day. I know that He is weeping with me. He did not choose this path in my life for me to falter. He wants to see me and all that I am. I could let the bitterness and anger consume me. Or I can turn to peace, forgiveness, and love. Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s not returned. Even when I don’t want to go on being me. I will continue to seek the good. I will seek grace. I will look for the good in others. Because that is who I am. And when I struggle I will remember, He wants me. All of me. In the good and the bad. In the happiness and grief. In the love and anger.

I will rise up. Do good. Be good. Be gracious. So I may live a life I can be proud of.

So let us not get tired of doing good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.-Galatians 6:9

**If you or someone you love is battling depression and self-hurt, please know that there is help. People who care and want to help you.

Originally published: Her View From Home