This divorce has taken a beating on my confidence and self worth. Well, actually, I think I have always had a problem with those two things. I have never been confident in my relationships. With my husband or my friends. I don’t know why. Maybe because I never was vulnerable enough or believed in them enough. My marriage, well that is another story. But my friendships, I don’t know why I have never felt confident in them.
There have been one or two people that I knew I could count on for anything. Yet, I always held back. From fully being me and all of the hard that goes with it. Once again, I let my perfectionism control my relationships. The whole happy life, nothing is ever wrong portrayal I was living.
In the last 20 months, my divorce has teared down the walls I built around me. I am more real, honest, raw, and vulnerable. I pushed myself to open up, extend my hand to new friends, and reconnect with old friends. Yet, I still did a great disservice to many people in my life. I didn’t believe in them and their friendships. I didn’t think they still wanted or loved me since I was no longer married. Those individuals who were my former husbands friends first, I believed I wasn’t really their friend too. Since I don’t see them as often as my former husband, they just brushed me off as the first wife and are moving on to the second. Because it is easier that way. To just move on when it is uncomfortable and awkward.
I didn’t give them any credit. I didn’t believe in them. In the past month, they proved me wrong. Over and over again. And I am sorry. You know who you are. Thank you for continuing to love and support me. For me. Not because I use to be married. Not because I use to be your neighbor. Not because I was convenient as a friend. You are my friend because of me.
Yesterday was a hard day. A day full of grief and hurt. My emotions were overwhelming me. A year ago, I would have just dealt with it alone. I wouldn’t have shared my struggles. Because I felt as though I am a burden. My hurt and pain is mine alone and they don’t want to deal with it. I believed they pitied me and felt sorry for me. I am sorry. I am sorry for believing this about you. Yesterday, I believed in my tribe enough to share with one person my pain. And all of a sudden, I saw and knew. Knew that I have found my people. Knew that I am right where I belong. Among family and friends. Among people that still want me after divorce.
As I was laying on my closet floor crying, God answered. He answered my prayer for strength and courage. I always assumed the strength I needed was suppose to come from inside of me. God laughed and showed me it comes from many different sources. Yesterday, my tears of grief turned into tears of love. Rather than being overcome with hurt, I was overcome with love and support. The flood of words, messages, phone calls, and texts became my strength. I am not doing this alone. I have an army of friends and family behind me. They are not going to let me fail. Or fall. Although they were not physically next to me, I felt them. I felt their arms around me. I felt their love pour over me.
This is what I have been waiting for my whole life. A tribe of people that I know I can count on. Women and men who love me. All of me. When they say they want to help me, I believe it. Not because I am a burden to them, but because they care about me and by helping me they are giving me love. My tears turned to overwhelming joy because I felt my heart change.
God is granting me grace and mercy from the people He has brought into my life. The family I was born into. The friends I love. I am humbling myself before you all. I do not take you for granted. As you have shown me friendship, I will do the same for you. And more. I cannot do any of this without you. I cherish you. You are my lovely. My light in this darkness.
Lovely in the Dark 