Lovely in the Dark

I got out of the shower this morning and looked at myself in the mirror. Really looked. I saw a tired woman. I saw the dark circles under her eyes, the extra lines around her mouth, and the stretch marks around her hips. I saw how the grief, hurt, and suffering has aged her body and soul. I saw the sadness weighing down on her shoulders. The loneliness radiating from her. I looked into her eyes. And saw hope.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21.4

I have hope that this period of my life is temporary. I have hope that what I have gone through will make me stronger. I have hope that love won’t always be painful. Hope that I am raising my sons to be good men. Hope that tomorrow will be a little kinder than today. I have hope that God will lead me to a faithful and loving man who will adore me, love me, and fight for me. I have hope that the mistakes I make will direct me to where I need to improve upon myself. I have hope that when I am at my darkest, my light is coming.

She holds onto hope for God is forever faithful. 1 Corinthians 1:9

Hope. Faith. Two things I have to have in my life. Because without it, what am I living for. How bleak would this world be without it. I would have nothing to get up for. I would have nothing to measure time, experiences, or hardships with. Hope is knowing that what I desire can happen to me. And will. Having hope makes me strive to work harder, be more patient, and to look for the good. Hope doesn’t mean I want only good and great things to happen to me. I hope that I use what I am given to see the beauty.

I have hope because I know what it feels like to be hopeless. To feel hopeless. To succumb to hopelessness. In the midst of those deep and dark days of depression, hopelessness was the only emotion I felt. It became the theme of every day. I couldn’t move towards anything. I couldn’t muster the strength. And it scared me. Living without hope is no way to live.

Do not lose hope, please believe that there are a thousand beautiful things waiting for you. Sunshine comes to all who feel rain.  r.m. drake

But what happens if what I am hoping for doesn’t come to me? It may not. Not today. Or tomorrow. Or while I am here on this Earth. I may continue in the suffering and pain. I may never love again. I may love and lose again. I know that I will be granted it all in my eternal life. In Heaven. And since I know of the glory I will receive from My Lord in Heaven, my faith in Him gives me hope. All things are possible through Him.

Yet hope returns when I remember this one thing: The Lord’s unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning , as sure as the sunrise. The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope. Lamentations 3:21-24

I stumble. I doubt. I forget. I question. When will it be my time? When will I receive what I give? When will the scars heal and love bloom? I am clinging to the hope today. I am becoming discouraged for the wait is long, the loneliness exhausting, and the pain unbearable. As I write this, I hope and pray I continue to hope. I hope for finding the strength to try, to fight, to believe.

Because my hope is in the Lord and He is working in me and for me always.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5