Lovely in the Dark

My divorce is final. I am no longer married. The vows I took 9 years ago are void. All the privileges and honors of being married are no longer. The 19 months of separation is over. The living in limbo and being married in name only is finally done. The 12 months of the legal process is closed.

Relief. Peace. Sadness. Grief. Happiness. Fear. Regret. Shame. Calmness. Anxiety. Panic. I felt it all in the first 30 seconds of hearing the papers have been signed. And I cried. The tears started to come down. I laid my head on my desk and started to sob. I couldn’t stop. And I couldn’t pinpoint which emotion was making me cry.

My heart is broken because in the end, our marriage wasn’t meant to be for the long haul. The sadness of saying good-bye to what was is no easy task. He was my friend. One of the best. There are days I ache for his friendship. We still have one, as we co-parent well together, but it isn’t the same. I will carry the grief with me always. It is now a part of me and who I am.

I am scared. I am fearful of the future. For the past year and a half, I have been looking towards the end of the divorce process. I measured time by getting through the first weekend without my boys, the first holiday, the first time meeting the girlfriend, filing for divorce, getting thru mediation, and on and on.  I was making my way to the finish line and now that I am here, I don’t know what to do. Where do I go next? What do I do next? How do I proceed forward?

I am free. Free to date. Free to fall in love. Free to commit myself to a relationship. And that scares me. For the past 10 years, I have been in love with the same man. Most of that time, I was going to be in love with him for the rest of my life. Now, I have to chance to fall in love with someone new. I am free to open myself up to a world of possibilities. Happiness. Marriage. Another child.

However, I can open myself up to a world of hurt and suffering. I may fall in love again and have myself broken again. I don’t know if I can go through with that again.  I barely survived this divorce. My trust is shattered. My heart is missing pieces. I scared to share my children. To have another man love my children. To have someone else be a constant in their lives. To have my sons’ fall in love and get their hearts broken. Because a new relationship isn’t just about me.

I will keep moving forward. I will keep choosing forward. I will keep looking forward. I believe in the promises my God has given to me. I know that this darkness is not permanent. I know when the time is right in His eyes my heart will be ready. I am not letting my fears from holding me back. I am holding on to my lovely.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11